Sky Mall

Flying in the USA is more ordeal and odyssey now than it once was back in the heady days of jet airplanes; understatement of the year, right? Few remember the smoke-filled cabins of the "jet age"; the nattily dressed stewardesses who wore white gloves and pill box hats, and called you "sir" and "ma'am"; who took your coats and hats and helped you with your carry-on luggage, no matter which class you were flying; and who couldn't imagine that one day they would need plastic handcuffs and pepper spray to restrain obstreperous passengers.

"Flying USA" (as opposed to "Surfing USA") has changed immensely in only the last 7 years thanks to Al Qaeda. Yet the joy of flying in America began to erode as far back as the late 1960's and early 1970's, due in large part to hijackers, to the first and second oil "shocks" and ultimately to airline deregulation in 1978. It is sad when I realize that one of the few pleasures left to us weary airline passengers- especially those of us flying coach is reading the Sky Mall magazine, tucked into the "...seat pocket in front of you."

I admit- I might be speaking only for myself and a few other closet Sky Mall fans, but everyone has secret fetishes. I think? Besides there is not much joy to be had in reading the in-flight magazines these days. So before I start reading Vanity Fair, the Wall Street Journal or the New York Times I have to get the Sky Mall magazine out of the way. Why? Because I love to see what utterly useless crap people have invented.

Many of these inventions have some purpose, and I confess that I have been tempted to buy a few things from the magazine over the years. My favorite "thing" for sale in Sky Mall is the Auto Buddy; an innovation so dazzling in concept it reminds me of the famous quotation attributed to Charles Duell, the head of the US patent office in 1899: "Everything that can be invented- has already been invented". Poor Mr. Duell.

He had not the imagination to conceive of rocket ships, "Wankel" rotary engines, microprocessors, submarines, plastic surgery, penicillin, nuclear power plants and the countless other inventions created and patents granted since 1899; to say nothing of the Auto Buddy and all the other crap for sale in Sky Mall. In case your imagination fails you, as it clearly did Mr. Duell the Auto Buddy is a “doll” (inflatable, per chance?) for want of a better term that resembles a burly, lumberjack.

"Why would I want one?" you might ask. "Because you don't have one!", the salesman would reply. He is designed to sit in the passenger seat of your car, and appear like a muscular, ill-tempered accomplice for the sole purpose of repelling bad guys that might take advantage of a lone driver when stopped at a light. To be fair, I can see how this sort of comfort doll might dissuade a would-be attacker late at night in one of the more dangerous neighborhoods in Los Angeles.

I just wonder if some might be tempted to bring Auto Buddy back inside the house with them, seat him at the dinner table or in front of the TV. I really tried, but the only new “thing” I could conceive of for the Sky Mall inventory is a custom built rack, or storage device made to fit everything for sale in the Sky Mall magazine. The Auto Buddy, of course would reside either in the car, or somewhere inside the house. But we won't go "there".