Fustian (not Faustian)

I like this word, although I doubt that many people I know would know what it means or how to use it- not because they are not bright or well-read, but because no one else I know is a word (vocab) freak and because this word is obscure. It's one of those infamous "SAT" words you see; the ones we were all forced to memorize for the purpose of one test, and then criticized for using in our term papers because it was arcane, or archaic. The Oxford English Dictionary defines fustian as:

noun "a thick, hard wearing twilled cloth with a short nap"

But it also pertains to speech or writing and means: "swollen, pompous, inflated, bombastic". This is the very word which popped into my mind when I read James Wolcott's recent piece in Vanity Fair entitled "What's Wrong With Washington?"An example: of Mr. Wolcott's fustian prose:

"...the hive-mind of the Beltway bubble seems incapable of evolving and developing the introspective faculties that distinguish sentient beings."

and another:

"...This realization has been slow to sunflower inside the official consciousness of our overseers."

another:

"But what explains this persistent cognitive disorder?"

and another:

"...there is some evidence of rewiring taking place, certain clusters of once firing neutrons falling dormant."

One more?

"...a visceral loathing that transcended doctrinal differences and fused Billary into a burning focal point."

And there are more but I will spare you. There is no doubt Mr. Wolcott is an able writer. He is the cultural editor at Vanity Fair after all, and I am but a lowly blogger; one of the great, unwashed writers. Yet to wax lyrical and indulge in such ostentatious displays in one's polemics; to embroider one's writing with such filigree that one obfuscates instead of communicates seems to defeat the very purpose of writing.

How is that James? Indeed his writing reminds me of that brilliant piece of comedy from Monty Python- the Cheese Shop routine, wherein an erudite (James word) and very dapper man named Mr. Mousebender walks into the village cheese shop and Mr. Wensleydale, the proprietor greets him:

Wensleydale: "Good morning, sir."
Mousebender: "Good Morning. I was sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Herries' by Horace Walpole, when suddenly I came over all peckish."
Wensleydale: "Peckish, sir?"
Mousebender: "Esurient."
Wensleydale: "Eh?"
Mousebender: "(broad Yorkshire accent) Eee I were all hungry, like!"
Wensleydale: "Oh, hungry!"
Mousebender: "(normal accent) In a nutshell. So I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpolling activities, sallied forth and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles."

Wensleydale: "Come again?"
Mousebender: "(broad northern accent) I want to buy some cheese."
Wensleydale: "Oh, I thought you were complaining about the music!"
Mousebender: "(normal voice) Heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the terpsichorean muse."
Wensleydale: "Sorry?"

And so it continues. Think I'll curtail my "Wolcotting activities" for today and go to the public library, or perhaps to the local cheese shop for a bit of fermented curd. "Faustian" of course refers to Johann Faust, the legendary "Renaissance man" who lived in 16th century Germany and who was immortalized by Goethe for making his deal with Mephistopheles.

Obama's "We are not worthy!" Message to the World

I have an idea! In the spirit of President Obama's "Mea Culpa" message to the world for all of the horrors visited upon the benighted peoples outside our borders in recent years- ranging from dropping the atomic bomb to AIDS, to global warming to the recent global financial debacle; and as a measure of our contrition for being such an ignoble, morally bankrupt state let's invite the Taliban here as exchange students! At tax payer expense!

No! Even better! At hedge fund manager expense! The term "talib" does mean a person in need of something after all and is often used as a term for "student", especially in madrasas- those hallowed institutions of higher learning in the Muslim world. But to pave the way for this we need to disavow policies of the Bush administration; expunge, if possible! Perhaps if we cosset the Taliban, and show them how sorry we are for everything the USA has done in the last 25 years...

...from trying to help create a Palestinian state, to assisting "non-combattants" in war-torn Somalia (at the expense of 18 American lives), to intervening in the Balkans and preempting Serbian atrocities against Muslims, to the billions the USA spends every year in humanitarian aid. How shocking! No matter that the Muslim world is one of the biggest recipients of US foreign aid; no matter that the abuses perpetrated at Abu Ghraib pale in comparison to the ghastly fate awaiting any non-Muslim combatant caught by Holy Warriors in Iraq and Afghanistan (humiliation vs. decapitation on video tape).

But I digress! If we show the Taliban- and Al Qaeda, for that matter that the Bush era is over; that we have a fashionable, "we are not worthy" president in office determined to make friend out of friend and foe alike! And that we are willing to engage with them, we will win them over! And then before you know it! We will make good Christians and Oprah loving TV addicts out of all of them! Gee! Maybe we can even get them interested in TV infomercials and sitcoms.

Imagine the marketing possibilities: "Desperate Pashtun Housewives"! And of course they could all use Snuggies in those cold, dank caves they hide out in .................(alright! "...in which they hide out.")

How To Get Rich Quick and EZ!!! No Money Down!!!

"Learn to be Rich! Free Training! Coming to Seattle / Tacoma / Everett!!!" But, not really. It's no wonder we are in the financial mess we are in now, when our be knighted consumer ostensibly remains so vulnerable to financial "gurus" like Robert Kiyosaki, with his "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" sideshow; visions of the snake oil salesmen trafficking their wares along the frontier in the late 19th century.

So Mr. Kiyosaki is now touring the country expatiating on the nobility of being rich and on the ignominy of being poor and on how easy it is for you to get to his own private Shangrila (Idaho being way too much a backwater, like Seattle); if only you will pay him for the advice! These game show host / used car salesmen / sub prime mortgage broker types might also qualify for an anchor spot on CNN or as an MC on American Idol or on Dancing With the Stars.

Yet Robert does so much better as an oracle of financial wisdom.....alongside Dr. Phil, Suze Orman and the legion of other would be financial "experts" lurking out there for new business. Here's my advice on how to get rich quick and easy: set yourself up as an expert on financial markets (the how is up to you, but these days it seems this is far easier than being the real deal...just say so!), then borrow some money, partner with a "Donald" and do infomercials! Bingo!

So Robert will be here in the Seattle area lecturing on his "Learn To Be Rich" strategies, but only in spirit! At the bottom of his internet ad, in 6 point font we learn that, "Robert Kiyosaki will not attend this event". He is far too busy with larger jurisdictions (like Chicago, New York, L.A.) to make an appearance in such 2nd cities as Seattle, leaving us troglodytes to his acolytes (for practice, per chance); who will no doubt one day set themselves up as Robert Kiyosaki disciples and carry the torch to a new generation of suckers.